fuckyeahthespianpeacock:

saltheria:

yeffyaboyuice:

mythchief:

So there I was, ready to take a shower. I mean, I was dirty, a little greasy, a shower was not such a horrible idea. People take showers, amiright? Of course!
I get naked.
FULL naked.
REAL naked.
I’m talking the exact opposite reason why you ever went to your grandmother’s house.
No cookies. Blatant nudity.
That’s how folks take showers these days, right? Well, I pull back the curtain…
And there it was.
This…thing…sitting on the little soap/shower/pube shelf. Not a care in the world, like it’s been there for years. “What the fuck is that?” I think to myself.
Now, what follows is the exact pattern of thought that took me from rational human being to Sloth in 3.4 seconds.
“Is that a Red Lobster cheesy biscuit? Holy fuck that’s a Red Lobster cheesy biscuit. OMG why would someone leave that unattended. Those things are so delicious. I’m gonna eat the fuck out of it. Man, I can’t wait to see whoever left it’s face when they come back to find that someone ate their cheesy biscuit’s fuck. Ohhh boy.”
Then my brain sent a message to my arm that said, “Reach for that cheesy biscuit, bitch. WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR!?”
As you must already know, we are all contractually bound to make a dickload of mistakes throughout our lifetime. Some of those mistakes are so big that they forever hinder our world and warrant entire chapters in our children’s history books. However, most mistakes have the dubious providence of merely haunting one’s soul and festering amidst the subconscious for always and eternity.
This was, nearly, one of those.
If my adjacency to failure could be measured, the only possible unit of measurement to appropriate it would be “baby condoms”. And no, I do not mean those horrendous papoose-like titty-cribs that the slovenly carriage their spawn around in in Wal-Mart, I mean condoms that a baby would wear.
My adjacency to failure was roughly 1 and a half Kiddie Trojans.
I’m not sure what stopped me, be it cosmic or supernatural, but it gave my brain just enough time to ask itself some rather important questions regarding this little tub treasure. Questions like:
“WHO, THE FUCK, WOULD LEAVE A CHEESY BISCUIT IN MY SHOWER?!”
And inquiries such as:
“AND WHY WERE YOU GOING TO EAT IT, MORON?!”
Seriously, was I so hungry that I would wantonly disobey all the integral conditioning and survival imprinting my parents bestowed upon me like the ever important, “Um, don’t eat that biscuit retard, you don’t know where it’s been or whose it is and also you found it in the shower.” in order to satisfy something so benign as a munchie?
That, I’m sorry to say, was pretty much my reality.
An early morning introspective psychological evaluation of a sad, hungry, naked man who almost ate a bar of soap.

OMG ITS BACK

This shit needs to be published.

This is going in the monologue section and I’m not even sorry.

fuckyeahthespianpeacock:

saltheria:

yeffyaboyuice:

mythchief:

So there I was, ready to take a shower. I mean, I was dirty, a little greasy, a shower was not such a horrible idea. People take showers, amiright? Of course!

I get naked.

FULL naked.

REAL naked.

I’m talking the exact opposite reason why you ever went to your grandmother’s house.

No cookies. Blatant nudity.

That’s how folks take showers these days, right? Well, I pull back the curtain…

And there it was.

This…thing…sitting on the little soap/shower/pube shelf. Not a care in the world, like it’s been there for years. “What the fuck is that?” I think to myself.

Now, what follows is the exact pattern of thought that took me from rational human being to Sloth in 3.4 seconds.

“Is that a Red Lobster cheesy biscuit? Holy fuck that’s a Red Lobster cheesy biscuit. OMG why would someone leave that unattended. Those things are so delicious. I’m gonna eat the fuck out of it. Man, I can’t wait to see whoever left it’s face when they come back to find that someone ate their cheesy biscuit’s fuck. Ohhh boy.”

Then my brain sent a message to my arm that said, “Reach for that cheesy biscuit, bitch. WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR!?”

As you must already know, we are all contractually bound to make a dickload of mistakes throughout our lifetime. Some of those mistakes are so big that they forever hinder our world and warrant entire chapters in our children’s history books. However, most mistakes have the dubious providence of merely haunting one’s soul and festering amidst the subconscious for always and eternity.

This was, nearly, one of those.

If my adjacency to failure could be measured, the only possible unit of measurement to appropriate it would be “baby condoms”. And no, I do not mean those horrendous papoose-like titty-cribs that the slovenly carriage their spawn around in in Wal-Mart, I mean condoms that a baby would wear.

My adjacency to failure was roughly 1 and a half Kiddie Trojans.

I’m not sure what stopped me, be it cosmic or supernatural, but it gave my brain just enough time to ask itself some rather important questions regarding this little tub treasure. Questions like:

“WHO, THE FUCK, WOULD LEAVE A CHEESY BISCUIT IN MY SHOWER?!”

And inquiries such as:

“AND WHY WERE YOU GOING TO EAT IT, MORON?!”

Seriously, was I so hungry that I would wantonly disobey all the integral conditioning and survival imprinting my parents bestowed upon me like the ever important, “Um, don’t eat that biscuit retard, you don’t know where it’s been or whose it is and also you found it in the shower.” in order to satisfy something so benign as a munchie?

That, I’m sorry to say, was pretty much my reality.

An early morning introspective psychological evaluation of a sad, hungry, naked man who almost ate a bar of soap.

OMG ITS BACK

This shit needs to be published.

This is going in the monologue section and I’m not even sorry.

150,044 notes

raze-occam:

elsauna:

frozen-poetic:

violethour320:

Has no one seen this… omg…

oh my god

IM NOT FUCKING CRYING

FUCK EVERYTHING I’M DONE

(via feldsparthethief)

9,347 notes

thehitachiinbrothers:

Ouran came out 27 years ago let that sink in

(via perilouspage)

4,329 notes

fandom0nium:

IM NOT EVEN IN THIS FANDOM AND I CANT STOP LAUGHING OH GOD

fandom0nium:

IM NOT EVEN IN THIS FANDOM AND I CANT STOP LAUGHING OH GOD

(Source: magnass, via cryptvokeeper)

64,267 notes

theheartmaid:

ohheyvict0ria:

Oh hey look it’s the fault in our stars

I SHOULDNT BE LAUGHING THIS HARD OMGH

theheartmaid:

ohheyvict0ria:

Oh hey look it’s the fault in our stars

I SHOULDNT BE LAUGHING THIS HARD OMGH

(Source: itscaptainhammertime, via judylinh)

353,712 notes

brookeeverdeen:

*slides $10 to the government* please cancel school

(via sircuddlebuns)

359,510 notes

gastrictank:

bee dad

(via sircuddlebuns)

79,623 notes

sircuddlebuns:

terezidactyl:

today-in-homestuck:

It’s been exactly one year since…

John’s arm appeared all over Homestuck [04/05/13]

ARE YOU KIDDING

NO. I AM DONE WITH THIS SHIT. DONE. I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THIS. DO YOU HEAR ME, TODAY-IN-HOMESTUCK. FUCK YOU. FUCK THIS. EVERYTIME I SEE YOU ON MY DASH YOU BRING NOTHING BUT PAIN. STRAIGHT UP. I AM OUT. DONE. IM DELETING

7,800 notes

thatssoscience:

mannurse:

Flu shots for everyone. Yay.

guess what video I’m filming today?

thatssoscience:

mannurse:

Flu shots for everyone. Yay.

guess what video I’m filming today?

(via nerdblogging)

633 notes

eyzairene:

When you say a come back without stuttering or screwing up 

image

(via cryptvokeeper)

8,824 notes

ouendan:

SUMMON THY THIRD SEASON

ouendan:

SUMMON THY THIRD SEASON

(via haruhidaily)

323 notes

(Source: stacksbreadup, via canfy)

177,716 notes

theairbitesshrewdly:

mastermind au where everyone is a mastermind. there are no fewer than 16 distinct organizations who have infiltrated hope’s peak attempting to capitalize on tthe world’s most despair inducing event. everyone squats in hidden rooms and secret passageways piloting various robotic animals around the empty hallways of hope’s peak academy looking for each other. it is very embarrassing for everyone involved.

(via sircuddlebuns)

1,814 notes

mightyflower:

to quote hamlet act III scene iii line 92, “no”

245,668 notes

mightyflower:

to quote hamlet act III scene iii line 92, “no”

245,668 notes